First of all, never divulge your mundane name, address, and/or phone number. Someone will want you to network or go to a Sabbat celebration. That's when the fun begins.If you join a coven or group, never let anyone outside the membership know you are connected with it. Someone is going to find something nasty to say about the group or about you for having any affiliation with *those people*.
Never have an opinion on anything. Agree with everything anyone says. Better yet, just nod sympathetically. When they inform you how powerful or knowledgeable they are, look duly impressed but don't get sucked into any debates. No matter what side or position you take, you'll be wrong and criticized for it.
Never volunteer for anything. That includes Pagan publications, festivals, activist groups, etc. Someone will have something to say about that too. Witches and Pagans are spiritual, not political. We should stay in our broom closets, safely out of sight, and not go stirring up cauldrons of controversy everywhere. Leave the mundane world to its own devices and it will leave us alone. Right!!!
Never organize protest demonstrations or letter-writing campaigns. Stirring that old cauldron again!
Don't claim to have been the victim of harassment or prejudice because of your Pagan beliefs. You'll be accused of suffering from paranoid delusions or maybe you did something you're not telling us about that warranted their actions. At best, you're nothing but a cry-baby.
If you try to defend someone else who's being victimized, you're paranoid too or you're seeing mountains where only molehills exist. Either way you're dismissed as a bleeding heart: a sucker for a good sob story who hasn't bothered to research all the facts.
Never write for a Pagan publication, much less edit one. Oooh, the nasty letters you'll get! No matter how clearly you explain your subject or your position on something, someone will misunderstand or add her/his own spin to it so they can have something to be indignant about.
Same goes for allowing yourself to be interviewed by the mainstream media - only worse. You'll be accused, as well, of being publicity hungry.
In fact, never ever do anything that casts the light of notoriety or media attention on you. For reasons why, see above in spades!
Never organize a Sabbat celebration or Pagan gathering. People will come, have a grand old time then go home, agreeing that you're either on a power trip or setting yourself up as a national or local community leader (depending on the size of the festival).
Never sell courses in metaphysics or magickal theory: you're prostituting the Craft.
Never give your teachings without charging a fee: your students will devalue it. They're free, therefore they'll consider them worthless.
Never - and I mean never - do anything that might be perceived as setting yourself up as spokesperson or leader for the Pagan and/or Craft community unless you have a secret death wish.
Within the even more restrictive confines of your own group, coven, or tradition, never oh never ever do anything that might in the remotest way be interpreted as up-staging, stealing another member's thunder or jeopardizing their place in the pecking order.
Never wear robes or carry ritual tools to a gathering that are showier or more dramatic than everyone else's. Who the hell do they think they are?
If the color or style of your hair is especially striking: quick: drab it up!! Mousey locks won't offend or be perceived as threatening.
Never carry yourself with dignity or express pride in your tradition or initiatory lineage. You'll be called an elitist snob to your face, behind your back or both.
Never let your hair down and whoop it up at gatherings. You'll be accused of being on drugs, claiming to be Pagan only for the sex, or dismissed altogether as nothing but a clown.
Don't go skyclad at festivals, even if site regulations permit. You'll be judged guilty of any number of things, from trolling for an invite to a gang-bang to courting third-degree sunburn.
Don't go robed to skyclad rituals. You'll be pegged a prude who's still chained up in the false values of Christian modesty.
Never do a Fam-Trad or Native American blood-bonding at a public Sabbat ritual. Guaranteed: within two days some of your Pagan friends or associates across the country will be calling to ask what's going on; they heard you're doing blood sacrifices and guzzling it down from the ritual cup.
If you possess a scholarly bent and are especially knowledgeable in any subject, never, never let on. Magick, metaphysics and the Craft as it relates to the Inquisition or Celtic and Tuscan pre-Christian history are especially loaded topics. Someone is bound to contradict your data or theories, loudly proclaiming you a fraud.
Don't publicly claim initiation in a family Craft tradition that pre-dates Gardner unless you're prepared to wear spell-proof armor. You'll be target practice for every hit-witch in town with an athame to grind.
Never claim to be Gardnerian. People will snicker at you because yours is a made-up tradition, cut and pasted together by Gerald Gardner (that dirty-old man who couldn't get it up unless he was first scourged a dozen or so times!) and therefore invalid - unlike their own, of course.
Never claim to be Alexandrian. People will think you hate Gardnerians.
Never claim to be Dianic. People will claim you hate men.
Never claim to be Egyptian. You'll be laughed at too. Everyone knows the Craft had its origins in Celtic/Tuscan pre-Christian culture!
Never call yourself Eclectic. You^̉ll be called a know-nothing Neo-Pagan.
Never call yourself Pagan, or worse yet, Neo-Pagan; people in the Craft will look down their noses at you.
Never call yourself Wiccan. Purists in the Craft will revile you for hiding behind a euphemism that doesn't carry all the explosive connotations among Christians as the big W word.
Never publically proclaim yourself a Witch either. You're only asking for trouble. You get to enjoy the shock value; then you can cry harassment and everyone will feel sorry for you or express outrage when the fundies come after you with wooden stakes and silver bullets.
As a matter of fact, don't call yourself anything; labels only pigeonhole and stereotype.
Then again, why not call yourself a Fundamentalist. That way no one will have to feel left out. They'll all be able to hate you or feel offended with no accompanying guilt- after which everyone will leave you alone. Maybe then you can get a little peace and quiet for a change.
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